Despair

My Dearest, Precious Lord.
Hallowed is Your Name.

Wonderful Counselor, I seek Your counsel.

You are the Prince of Peace. Oh, how I long for peace.

Jesus, You said You did not come to bring peace, but a sword. Is that the sword now wielded in my own home? The turmoil is more than I can bare.

Is there a way of escape? Or does that promise only relate to temptation?

Is this the “soup of God’s permissive will” referred to by Oswald Chambers? This soup reminds me of the wretched, slimy, oyster gumbo someone served me when I was a young child – the swill I could not force myself to swallow.

What do you desire me to learn in this place? There is no direction to look but up. I look to You, the author and finisher of my faith. Mold me and make me, after Your will. Reveal what it is I am to learn here.

Am I to learn endurance? I am near utter despair. And I would indeed despair, except I believe I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

A mere shred of hope remains. Have I not been patient long enough? Twenty two years of praying for a man who has only become more depressed and violent? If I was the only target, I could bare it. I see my children losing hope in You. I see how it is now affecting the youngest, and my heart groans, “here we go again.”

I desperately need encouragement.

Not from man, but from You, Lord.

I have a desperate longing to see Your face.

As I seek Your face
May I know Your heart.
Feel Your presence, acceptance.
As I seek You face.

At Your feet I fall,
Sovereign Lord.
I cry Holy, Holy
At Your feet I fall.

Release me from this crushing snare of burdens,
Lord, lift me up and let me stand.
By faith on Heaven’s table land.
Lead me in the path of life.

If not in the land of the living,
I will bare this cross into Your presence.
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

…………………..

My soul faints for Your salvation
But I hope in Your word
Saying, “When will You comfort me?”
For I have become like a wineskin in smoke.
Yet I do not forget Your statutes.
How many are the days of Your servant?
When will You execute judgment on those who persecute me?
The proud have dug pits for me,
Which is not according to Your law.
All Your commandments are faithful.
They persecute me wrongfully.
Help Me!
They almost made an end of me on earth,
But I did not forsake Your precepts.
Revive me according to Your loving kindness
So that I may keep the testimony of  Your mouth.
Psalm 119:81-88
………………………

Adapted from a 1994 journal entry. I am here to testify I have indeed seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.